Discombobulating Muffins

I am beginning to suspect the universe is conspiring against my recent decision to cut back on my drinking by exposing me to a mix of horrifying, yet morbidly fascinating, sex related stories, and as icing on the extremely-disturbing-cake I was the lucky recipient of some explicit text message stalking.

Perhaps someone is trying to tell me something....like my liver health is overrated? Carpe Bourbon??

So yes, in the last week I have heard not 1, not 2 but 3 different sex stories that left me wondering whether the attendants at my local liquor store are missing me as much as I am miss them...

Story number 1 involves the carry on at a 'Sexy Party' that involved a bunch of drunk young men and women, a video camera and a Dalmation. The story left me wondering whether the dog was ok and how one gets invited to these sort of things?

Story number 2 involves Blanket Man being witnessed having it off with some woman in the middle of the street. The story left me wondering on or under the blanket and if was a charity 'donation' how she plans on claiming back the tax?

Story number 3 was a lengthy tale which involved a friend of a friend who after a big night out on a business trip ended up coming back to his motel room with three woman of questionable moral fibre. The dude left the room briefly and came back to a room empty of the girls and his brothers digital camera. Guttered about the situation he rang his brother to give him the bad news. Shortly after speaking to the brother the FOAF sat down to have a drink to commiserate the loss of the camera (and I'm guessing the girls) and noticed it under the couch. He was so relieved the camera wasn't stolen he decided to celebrate with a quiet smoke of something other than tobacco. While outside on the balcony he was hailed by a bloke he'd briefly met earlier in the evening and it was agreed he would come up and share in the celebration. Once in the motel room the bloke asked now pretty stoned camera-not-actually-lost-guy whether he had ever masturbated in front of someone (!!!) Before he knew what was happening the random bloke was on the floor, pants around his ankles pounding away like a man possessed and he had to be asked to leave. This story left me wondering whether some not tobacco would erase this story from my mind and what the odds of the random bloke being my ex brother-in-law who (I found out the hard way) liked to masturbate in front my computer.

I join you all in saying/thinking/retching "Urgh"

Then to top the last few days off on Tuesday I received a highly dodgy text message from an unknown number. The message greeted me as Meredith, outlined some pretty personal but accurate information about me and then propositioned me for a threesome. Then they rang several times (I rejected the calls) and texted me again asking if I was there and was this Meredith. Thanks to some super sleuthing and skillful lying (not by me) it was found that the author of this delightful message was a University student I had hired for a day to help me out at the conference I organised back in July. Yes folks, back in July. It has been 4 months since I last spoke to or saw this boy and now....now he thinks it is an ok time to ask me for sex. I was really disappointed in him since he was a good little employee....the last sentence of his text message really summed that up... "I do as I'm told"