Apologies for not posting sooner folks. I'm afraid not a lot of funny/interesting/uber rage inducing things (I can publicly post about) have been happening in my life. Well.....perhaps they have, but they have been overshadowed by work frustrations (see publicly post reference) and my recent fixation on the fragility of life.
This was sparked Friday before last when some punk kids decided it would be a fabulous idea to throw bottles at the train I happened to be on, as it was pulling out of the station. One of the bottles smashed through a large window several rows down from me. Luckily no-one was sitting in those seats and the nearby people only got showered a little in glass. The second bottle hit the window next to me about 20 centimetres above my head but it hit the metal window hinge it bounced off.
20 centimetres between my face and a whole of lot of fast moving broken glass is about as close as I'd like to ever get.
Anywho, it got me thinking about how little inconsequential decisions (like where you sit on the train) can potentially have a big impact on your life. Me being a serious drama queen, this of course made me think about dying and my funeral.
By definition funerals suck. However I want mine to suck a little less than average so I'm going to plan it now while I am of reasonably hot of body and vaguely sound of mind.
No churches. Not only would it be horribly hypocritical and a lightning strike risk, the seats are always so uncomfortable. It should however be somewhere with free and ample parking.
No ties. Shoes are optional if you have pretty enough feet.
No organ music unless it is Baby Elephant Walk. Exit music shouldn't be Ava Maria or anything sad, it should be something like the Sabre Dance . Dancing like a goon is to be encouraged.
No synchronised reading of prayers. Have you ever been in church when a large congregation are reading out a prayer in unison? It sounds creeepy. If everyone insists on saying something together, it should be something like "We are we are, we are the many" or "Urrrghhhh braiiiiiiins"
No reading of poems unless it is 'The Jabberwocky' or written by Spike Milligan.
Instead of the standard proceedings, it should be run like a roasting with people getting up and telling embarrassing or funny stories about me. I don't want said roasting to be run by some random celebrant that I've never met and made blush, reading some "insert deceased's name here" script. I want someone who can run the show like an MC. Someone like Seraph.
No children under 10 are invited. Babies cry and stress their mothers, toddlers embarrass their parents with loud and obnoxiously accurate but inappropriate observations, and older kids will be bored stupid and shouldn't really be exposed to the dirty anecdotes that I really hope will be bouncing around.
And finally...I know y'all are busy people and I'm not nearly important enough to be dwelled over. My funeral and wake should be combined and snacks served.
The proceedings should start not with "We are gathered here today..." or "We are here to remember...." but with "Right, has everyone got a drink?"
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7 comments:
presumably sponsored by your bourbon company, and rather than a tasteful portrait of you at the front of the event, a freaking huge blowup poster of your xena photo :)
good to hear from you again, i thought your fingers had fallen off and you were unable to type :)
A blowup poster of my Xena photo!!!! Over my dead body...oh wait....
Scary how stupid kids can be. Once there were kids in a town near me that took large rocks and threw them on the cars going underneath the bridges they were standing on. Several people died from that.
As far as funeral plans go: I agree that prayers in unison are creepy. And it's cultish and weird. I think you are on to something with your funeral plans. An idea for a new career, even. Forget wedding planners, hire funeral planners. lol.
So funeral directors for ordinary funerals and funeral planners for my kind of shindig? I like it.
That reminds me of the time the director of my paternal grandfather's funeral approached me and my ex at the wake, noticed my engagement ring and handed me his card saying "I also do weddings".
exactly.
You should post more often, or suffer the consequence of uber_rage from this uber_reader. Although, this is all virtual, so I will just unleash the exclamation points, to get the message across. And CAPS. Lots of them. Consider yourself warned.
Golly. I guess I've been warned.... ;)
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