Road Rules and Cat Herding

Yesterday I had to drive up north again for a Steering Group meeting on my project. The trip proved to be highly informative and I thought I might share some of the pearls I picked up....

Pay attention to your loved ones hobbies and passions, you never know when you'll be able to use what you've learnt to bond with someone on your Steering Committee over that same passion.

If you've prepared a document or process for review by a large group of academics, submit your idea, wait for them to banter around other ideas for a while, for them to start forming a different view, decide on a different approach, for them to then try and work out how'd that idea would work in the real world and then an hour later decide that what you'd proposed originally is in fact the best way to proceed. During this time remember to nod, make nice affirmative noises and pretend to take notes while preparing your shopping list.

Accidentally hitting a large bird at speed, with your car and the resulting gore and feather splatter is a good way of getting the blonde bitch tailgating you to back right off.

Not all driving speed rules are covered in the New Zealand road code. For example, it isn't outlined that when approaching a speed limit sign which orders a decrease in speed, drivers do not slow down until they are precisely next to said speed limit sign, however when approaching a sign which shows an increase in speed, drivers will increase their speed as soon as said sign is just visible. Failure to observe these rules can result in tailgating, engine revving and filthy looks.

And finally, the only thing that will make someone who consistently drives at 80kms in a 100km zone suddenly speed up, is this sign:

Ohhh..This Does *Not* End Well For You

The Kurt Neilsen lookalike down the hall from my office is now on his third and final strike.

About an hour ago he came running into my office with a pottle of yoghurt and a metal teaspoon and before I realised what was happening he jabbed the teaspoon against the underside of my wrist. If that wasn't weird and randomly violent in itself, it wasn't any old teaspoon, nosiree...it was one that he had just heated up by running it under the boiling water dispenser in the kitchenette. While it wasn't hot enough to sear flesh off bone, there was significant pain and a very clear teaspoon shaped mark on my arm a whiles after.

About 20 minutes after I gave him a mouthful of abuse and told him to fek the hell off, I got the below email from him. With stalker-like sentiment he sent me this message via a reply to an email I sent him about 6 weeks ago.

It went like this:

"hey freak,

how's the burn? i'm really sorry, i felt it before i touched you with it and thought it had cooled enough, but you're a sensitive girl :-D

speaking of sensitive, i'm sitting here crying into my yoghurt becuz you said i'm ugly and uninteresting. :-( "

Still sore and angry I replied:

Ok, first off - you kept this email?! And I'm the freak?

Secondly - when you put r and n together in that font it looks at first glance to be an ' m' and I misread your email. HR may be in touch.

Thirdly - I am a sensitive wee thing. It did hurt but it is getting better. Don't worry about it. I am reasonably forgiving.

Fourthly - how long does it take you to eat yogurt?!!

Fifthly - when did I say you were uninteresting?


Hopefully that will be a clear enough message for him to leave me alone....I don't want to have to start kicking people in the head (so soon) into this new job.

A Cat's Inner Monologue: A Cold Night

Ahem...excuse me mumma, could I snuggle down in the bed with you? Please? Purr Purr Purr....Its so cold and I'm so very cute. Excellent, I'm in! Let me just pad on your leg with my needle sharp claws for a minute, then I'll settle down to sleep......... zzzzzz zzzzzz

!! Oh, man, it is HOT under the covers. I need out and I need out now.......Woah, it is really cold out here still....could I get back in? Excellent, thanks. Ahhhhh...

You moved! You moved a whole centimetre, some of us are trying to sleep here...Sigh......That's it, I want out, let me out right now.

You know how I wanted out a minute ago, I'd kinda forgotten how cold it was out here and how warm and snuggly it was there under the covers, can I get back in?........Oh, wait...no....maybe I don't want in...it was a little too warm....heheehhahahaa....Just kidding! I was just seeing how long you'd lift the covers up for me, I really do want in...c'mon...maaaaaa......Ok. Fine. I'll start pulling all of your tissues out the box...oh look, you've lifted the covers, fancy that.....Ahh...nice and warm.

Oh, was that your alarm? Already? Guess you'll be needing to get up and go to work.....Sucks to be you. You'll have to contort your half asleep body around me to get outta bed since I'm not moving from the middle here. I've had a terrible nights sleep thanks to someone....

You Sound Like You Want A Written Warning

Even though I just got over my last fluey cold I have managed to succumb to a strange new cold strain that I have named Damnevilcoldis Upsidedownae. The reason being that I started with a cough then sinus came on and now I have sneezing and an immovable headache.

Being sick again so soon hasn't done much for my emotional fortitude so it was probably a mistake that last night the IT professional I see most often and I, went through the process of installing my brand spankin' wireless router. It was going well until towards the end of the process when the setup wizard had a conniption and on its way down it took out all my previous connection settings including my IP address.

Having stupidly put this information somewhere so very safe I couldn't find it, I was forced to ring my ISP call centre.

After battling the voice recognition menu selection - which I discovered doesn't like coughing, sniffing or that "Mehhh" noise people with headcolds make without realising - I was put on hold for around 40 minutes. During which time the most obnoxious hold music ever made was played in all its tinny glory.

This all put me in a spectacularly bad mood.

When my call was finally answered a young woman answered. After reciting my customer number, name and address she asked for my date of birth. When I responded she paused for a second then she said "Really?! You sound like, 12".

It was then my time to pause while I considered possible responses to this insane commentary. I think luckily for everyone involved I wanted my internet access back slightly more than I wanted to destroy her and simply went with "I have a cold".