Quote of the Week Part 2

Some people drink, some people do drugs, but my vice: making god botherers feel uncomfortable.

Well actually, I love all three of the above...but anyway....

Today a sweet, funny little man from work made the terrible mistake of saying to me "Thank you for your help. Often just 2 minutes with you makes a huge difference"

I said (with a wry, naughty smile) "Ohhh, you have NO idea."

Given the speed at which he scuttled off, he should really consider entering the Christian Olympics.



P.S. Why isn't 'blog' in the blogger dictionary?

Quote of the Week Part 1

This morning a work colleague rang me to ball me out over something that was entirely not my fault although in his clouded uber rage he thought it was. I was so taken aback I started apologising for it until he said "Y'know....I don't need this stress!". It was then that something in my head clicked into place and I came to my senses.

Wait a minute....

Who the hell needs stress??

Umm...I don't? So why am I taking this abuse?!! This dude doesn't know his life is any worse than mine (heh...it totally is, but that's not the point). What a completely retarded thing to say!

He would have been better off saying... "I don't need this stupidity!" I would have at least agreed with him then.




P.S You might have noticed that I have removed my link to 'Michelle's Big OE' blog. It isn't because I've stopped loving her to bits, it is because some sad sexless f#ckbag hacked her blog and deleted all of her postings and I for one don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing anyone visit it now. Cosmic - start a new one - I'll list it as soon as its up.

PC Stands for Pussy Cat

I let my cats get away with pretty much anything. When they think I'm not watching they drink out of my glass, steal off my plate, scratch the furniture and jump up on the kitchen bench. They have the run of the house and well... are basically spoilt brats.

There is one thing I won't tolerate though. Them mucking with my computer. I hate that.

And yet that seems to be the one thing Bella wants to do at the moment. I've tried yelling at her, clapping like a tin monkey, banging the table, picking her up and putting her down on the floor (that was a fun, seemingly never-ending game) and I've even tried poking her with a (blunt) pen.

Nothing will stop her. It is a compulsion. It is like there is some sort of highly addictive substance oozing from the back of my PC.

Every time I turn on the computer Bella comes running up, jumps up on the desk and wedges her head down between the PC and the wall and starts purring like a lunatic. After about a minute she shifts and does that casual "Oh darn..I seem to have dropped something back here" arm stretch and grab thing that only a cat can do.

It is driving me bananas!!

Putting the 'Qui?' in Quiz

I tells ya...it's a young person's world except at Quiz nights.

I was at my work's biannual Quiz night yesterday and the only I reason I knew the answers to any of the questions was because I was marking.

Is there some rule that says that it isn't trivia until it is at least 40 years old?! Warrggh!

I counted a total of four questions that were designed for the young'uns'... But I had no idea of the answers. Two questions about heavy metal bands and two about hard core rappers. Clearly the quiz master thought he'd include something to appeal to the non-centurions and asked his 16 year old grandson about 'what kids are listening to these days'. Errr...not a particularly good demographic fit for our organisation buddy.

Hello? Yes, it's God, what was the answer to number 8? I was busy creating the sun, moon and stars on that day so I'm not sure...

Yep, I'm Pretty Sure It's A Compliment

I just received the below message from a young guy who was sent my blog address yesterday. It had me in stitches...

" Btw i read through abit of your blog, its nice 2 c not everyone writes..
'today was good, i got up and had a showa and breakfast it was good, then i went to work, which was good but had a fight with my gf which was bad!'
or
'today i cut myself, i bleed alot and cried and screamed because the world hates me, i like bk and cutting myself'

And some of the ones linked to it are almost or on par... actually WORTH reading lol which sounds like almost a dissing but yeah its not. "

Heh.

Grey's Anatomy

Somehow, I managed to dislocate then relocate a tendon in my foot by stepping on someone else's foot, while getting on the bus on Friday. Yeah, I know....I'm Special. I must have done the uber over-correction and moved it in an awkward way. I got home and dutifully applied basic first aid principles . After a sprain, strain or break, apply R.I.C.E:

• Rest
• Ice
• Coke and Bourbon
• Elevation

Since my foot was still hurting today I went to see my doctor to check I hadn't done anything really funky to it. My doctor actually laughed at me as he was filling out my ACC form. "Let me get this straight...you stepped on someone's foot and you got hurt?!"

Sigh.

While I was there I asked him to look at the hard, bony weird lump that appeared on my shoulder several weeks ago. At the time it hurt like a mothe... a lot. But now it only hurts if I touch it or lean back on my arm.

So anyways, my doctor pokes at my arm goes hmmm then picks up a model of a shoulder joint off his desk and brings it over to me...

Dr: "What I think has happened is this.... See the connection between the socket bone and the clavicle? I think that has come away like this [pulls the model apart with alarming effort and a disturbing popping noise] and that lump is the end of your clavicle, kinda floating around. "

Meredith: "Urgh."

The Wheels On the Bus

Last Thursday morning I was running a bit late so rather than walk I decided to catch a bus up the quay.

Just as I got to the station a bus heading my way pulled up so I was on and seated pretty quick and settled in to do some people watching.

As passengers were piling on I realised that the bus was slowly drifting backwards. I was just considering speaking up when the bus behind tooted loudly and our driver planted the brake suddenly. At that point I was very glad I was already seated.

Once all passengers were on, he took of at Mach 4 and rather than at the road (as one had anticipated) he began looking in his passenger view mirror and started talking about some random soccer game that was played the night before. It wasn't until everyone began frantically gesturing forward that the driver looked back to the road and realised he was barreling towards a group of pedestrians on a crossing. More braking.

Silly me thought perhaps he would have learnt his lesson about taking his eyes of the road but as we started off again he continued talking about the soccer game and when he finally got to the point of the conversation which was to try and find out the final score...he actually turned around in his seat to look at us!!

Everyone was so taken aback by the driver facing us that we were all frozen in alarm and it wasn't until the guy hurtled through a very orange light that everyone began furiously shaking their heads to indicate that the didn't know the soccer score.

As we pulled up to the first stop (and more people than usual got off), the driver says..."Be careful out there people, I heard some pedestrian got hit on Courtney Place. I don't think it was a bus"

The guy sitting next to me didn't even crack a smile when I whispered "Oh my god...we're all gonna die!". Weirdo.

Clearly A High Productivity Organisation

At my workplace hazards include strangulation by red tape, drowning in deep bureaucracy and the cafeteria coffee. Today however, it wasn't such a bad day to be an employee. I just came across the following postings on the Staff Noticeboard on the intranet...

18 May 1:57PM Flat deck trolley missing
Has anyone borrowed one of the Assignment Store's flat deck trolleys? If so, could you please return it? Thanks :)
AC

18 May 2:17PM Flat deck trolley
For sale flat deck trolley, no wheels as is where is
Anon

18 May 3:05PM Wheels for sale
4 wheels, suitable for a flat deck trolley
DB

18 May 3:23PM Trolley Information available
Information is available on the whereabouts of a vehicle resembling a flat deck trolley. If you wish this information, please leave a chocolate fish in a plain, unmarked envelope on the windscreen of the ford escort in the south carpark and photos indicating location will be sent.
KJ

18 May 2006 3:43PM Chocolate Fish
2 Chocolate Fish held to ransom until safe return of flat-deck trolley complete with all 4 wheels to Assignment Store.
GM

I was just about to post the following announcement:
18 May 2006 4.00PM Vacancy: Project Team Members
Night time, project based work. Must be available immediately. Navy Seal, Green Beret or other Rescue and Extraction experience a must. Weapons, high explosives or fishing experience an advantage.

But the next message posted ruined it for me:
18 May 4:01PM Abandoned trolley
Would the owner of the illegally parked flat deck trolley kindly remove it from the stream, as it is blocking up the waterway and collecting chocolate fish
RD

Damn it! Hope he drinks the cafeteria coffee tomorrow ;)

Proff Readintg Is Imporant

So far this month it would be fair to say that I haven't really been demonstrating examples of email etiquette 'best practice'. Considering my job, the irony is not lost on me so I feel compelled to share with you the hard email lessons I've learnt recently....

DO NOT enter in the recipients of a sure-to-piss-people-off type email until you've completely finished it and fleshed out the key points that you'd typed in during the early composition stage of the message, such as "explain again" or "not going to happen" . Almost guaranteed you'll go to save or print or press some evil and random combination of key strokes and the bloody thing will send.

DO NOT make a joke about calling someone a scumbag in a message. It may very well be forwarded to them and they may very well get the uber rage and freak right out at you. See:
that's what those smily things are for . Yep, just like C is for Cookie, that M is for Me.

If you accidentally mis-spell someone's surname on a website and they send you a pissy email about it, when sending your sincere apology, ensure that you spell their first name correctly in your reply. Even more importantly ensure that this mis-spelling doesn't change it from a male to female name. They are likely to take further offense.

I hope we can all learn something from this...

The Smell of Burnt Toast Before A Stroke

This morning the smell of burnt toast suddenly started permeating around everyone in the office. Knowing that we didn't have a toaster on this floor there was concern that there was an electrical fault somewhere and we were only 4 minutes away from being engulfed in an inferno. It then went from burnt toast to gas leak in one Chicken Little leap.

I gave the Handyman a call to ask if he could pop over to take a look at the fuse box. At least 5 then of us spent the next 10 minutes sniffing around various parts of the office for the source of the smell. Prime suspects were the coffee machine and the hot water cylinder. The gas leak chick was concerned it was the air conditioning and switched off all the (electrical!) units.

After 10 minutes I started to get a little bored with the exercise and went back to work, figuring I could pack up my stuff and grab my lappie before the nasty ass smell turned into an unstoppable flow of liquid hot magma.

Two others kept on the hunt for the burning sensation for a good 10 minutes but couldn't find the source. The Handyman, perplexed, went downstairs to check their fusebox. He came back 2 minutes later with an announcement:

Someone downstairs had burnt their toast.