How To Lose Friends And Infuriate People

Today a guy from work in the same Project Management role as me but for a different project from the same government fund, asked whether I'd like to grab a coffee in the Staffroom and talk some shop. I dutifully agreed even though networking is possibly my least favourite part of my job.

After talking about where we were both at with our projects and reporting etc etc blah blah, the topic swung around to other education related chit chat. That is where things went downhill for both of us. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: So you didn't go to [Insert name of the conference I recently sweated blood to organise]?
Him: No, I was at [Insert name of another education related conference that happened to be on at the same time]
Me: Oh, right. Was it good?
Him: Yeah, it was. I hear it was better than [Insert name of the conference I sweated blood to organise]
Me: {pregnant pause while I imagine his head exploding}. Mmmm. Really....
Him: I am supposed to be using [Insert name of the software that my conference was about and the system I have been working with for the past 2 years and pretty much know inside and out] for my project pages but I am really new to it. Are you familiar with it?
Me: Yeah, I know it pretty well...
Him: Oh good, perhaps you could give me a hand sometime, show me some tricks?
Me: {pauses again as she imagines the sweet revenge that could be had here} Sure thing! Just give me a call.

I can see it now....

"Oh no, you can safely delete anything whenever you like...even if you think you'll use it again. You see there is a special archive area where you can retrieve anything you've ever deleted....I'll show you that tomorrow. That silly little configuration setting? Nah, you don't need that, that warning is a bug. Been there forever it's so annoying. Oh and if in doubt use your web browser Back button as much as you can...especially after typing a really long message...after all, you wouldn't want to lose any of your work."

Do your research dude.

Punky Blogger

While taking an Occupational Health and Safety Organisation recommended micropause from my work, I came across an online article titled "Children with older siblings are not only more rebellious and adventurous, it appears they are also funnier". As the youngest of two this obviously sparked my interest....Up until now I thought the deal was he got the brains and I got the ability to suit hats. Looks like I got the funny too.

As I read on the article included the results of new scientific research and comediene Michelle A'Court broke new ground and was quoted as saying something actually funny: "The first one is the documentary and the second one is the sit-com."

This got me thinking....what exactly would my sitcom be called? I thought in order to get the creative juices flowing I thought I'd use existing sitcom titles as a stating point and give them a lil' bit of a Meredith flavour. Here is what I came up with...

• Who's The Boss? / She's The Freakin' Boss, That's Who!
• Charles In Charge / Heh...Let Charles Think He In Charge
• Are You Being Served? / Are You Serving Me Cougar Or Some Cheap Crap?
• Get Smart / Get A Smartcard
• M*A*S*H / R*A*S*H
• Step By Step /12 Steps By 12 Steps
• Man About The House / I Won't Be Needing A Man About The House Anymore
• My Two Dads / My Two Tabs
• Saved By The Bell / Saved By The Belladonna
• 8 Simple Rules / 8 Simple Rules For Avoiding the Uber Rage

I am not even going to touch The Dick Van Dyke Show....

iPoditis

According to Dr Victor Aziz, a psychiatrist at Whitchurch Hospital in Cardiff, an increase in a condition known as 'musical hallucination' where the brain continuously hears music that is perceived to be real is partially due to in increase of exposure to music in everyday life - like from iPods (hence the common name iPoditis)

He was quoted as saying "Having a song in your head is quite normal every now and then. But musical hallucinations can be quite distressing" (I bet, particularly if that music is Kenny G)

However, despite his most awesome Dr Suess-esque like name, I disagree with Dr Aziz.

As recent experience and resulting sleep deprivation informs me, iPoditis is in fact the obsessive compulsive disorder that takes affect immediately after purchasing your first mp3 player, which compels you to burn all of your CDs to your player within the shortest possible timeframe.

C Is For Cookie, That's Good Enough For Me

Yesterday I had a frustrating start to the morning but the red mist dissolved away to a baby pink haze in the afternoon when my specialists appointment finally rolled around and I found out my shoulder wasn't the big C after all. Damn alarmist Doctor and Radiologist! I don't need the MRI or the bone biopsy now which makes my fine but claustrophobic arse pretty freakin' happy.

I have what is called osteolysis of my distal clavicle. It is separation and inflammation of the joint. It is apparently a fairly common injury in body builders which amuses me greatly given the only weightlifting I do is getting myself out of bed and picking up the cats (although.....)

If you are really bored you can read more about Osteolysis here

Plus in my googling efforts for the above I found a cool list of phobias on wikipedia: I see crazy people

Restart Now Or Later?

Well, Week 4 and finally I can give you the a la Ricky Lake Makeover Before and After shots of my new office....

Before


After!



The added effect of taking the first photo on my personal cellphone and the second shot on my new work cellphone and the resulting quality difference was not intentional...but I do enjoy the high resolution irony.

In order to prepare the above I spent the morning installing my monitor, keyboard, mouse and most of the features of my PDA (synchronisation with my email is proving most vexing) and discovering (while trying to install my wireless card) that my lappie didn't have the network card slot it was supposed to. My pouty pants went straight on after that.

Today I also received my staff ID card and given it is laminated cardboard with my name handwritten on it, I can certainly see why it took so long. During the 100 minute commute home I decided my first job tomorrow would be to take that ID card down to the Facilities Office and get me my staff parking permit. People who suggest that catching trains and buses will give you precious time to read and relax before and after work haven't tried commuting at rush hour during winter and can stick their opinion right up their network slot.


P.S I think 'most vexing' might be my new uber.....

It's Worse Than That, It's Physics Jim!

Big moment for me on Friday...I drove from Wellington to Palmerston North and back...by myself! It was just me, a map, the open road and a bunch of my old mixed tapes.

I am not what you would call a confident/experienced/remotely good driver so this was a big thing for me. I got to my destination in plenty of time (despite the fact that once I hit Palmy I took the 'pretty' way) and I made it back without any one honking at me and no fists were waved in my general direction.

Added to that I was able to collect the rest of my IT equipment from the head office it was a most excellent adventure for me.

I also learnt two important life lessons:
1. I really gots to get me a modern car stereo with a CD player if I am going to drive any distance again
2. I still know all the words to Star Trekkin' and The Sweater

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

I'm finding a challenging part of finding my feet in this new job is making friends with my co-workers and finding out exactly where that line for them sits. Testing the limits of their humour is proving to be this bizarre mental dance I have to go through everyday where the consequences of standing on their feet can be serious.

Normally when you start a new job you'd have someone in your team who would be more than happy to give you intel on everyone else..."She's a bitch, he's a perv, she's a dag, he's a sweetheart" etc etc. I don't have a team or that inside info so I have to start from scratch and assume that everyone is a humourless f&ckbag until proven otherwise.

So far I've found the two young guys at the end of the hall to be good value but the skinny guy two doors down I seem to make so incredibly nervous that in the kitchenette on Thursday, he proceeded to try and relate some weird story about data files and termites in Malaysia and how they were a delicacy. I assume he was talking about the termites but at the time didn't want to stick around to clarify in case engaging him in conversation made his head explode....plus I wanted to drink my coffee while it was hot.

I've also found that the tall grumpy guy in the office next to me is really quite funny and sweet in a barely repressing the uber rage sort of way. For instance, when he popped his head into my office to ask whether I had any staples in my stapler and as I went to pass it over to him I paused and said "Wait....I assume that wasn't a euphemism for something...?" - he found it highly amusing and gave only a slightly bone chilling belly laugh. That's progress.

Bring It On You Pussy Virus

After having breakfast and re-reading my whiney post of this morning I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my arse and take my mucusy body into work. Screw the virus, I'm back in the game and this time, I brought my chakram.

An update on the new job:

Now Also Haves....

• In and out trays (space age plasticy goodness)
• Voicemail (I now know how to tell when I have a new message)
• Colour printer (installed and configured and eerily quiet)
• A box o' office paper (for printing, darts and temporary door labels)
• My own mail pigeon hole (with a punched label and everything)
• A pile of branded envelopes (with the wrong address on them)
• A pile of 'With Compliments' slips (ahem...also with the wrong address on them)
• A network password (sigh)
• Internet access (sweet, sweet internet)
• A salary (which makes all the Have Nots worth it)
• A new found understanding of which lightswitch does what (and there was light)
• Discovery of a nearby kitchenette that has Macchona coffee (and it was good)
• My sanity (despite the 1 3/4 hours it took me to get home tonight)

Still Have Nots...

• Cellphone (maybe them not being able to reach me whenever is a good thing?)
• PDA (I predict using it everyday for 2 months then never again)
• G3 card (it'll be swaaaweet once I get it)
• Email address (this one is really irritating)
• Personal drive on the Network (go the Desktop)
• Staff ID card (hey HR...if you hadn't paid me then I'd be yelling "You suck!")
• Staff parking permit (man I wish it was summer)
• Keyboard (tappity tappity)
• Mouse (I want my Back button!)
• Laptop bag (you'd think it would have come with the lappie right?)
• My health (but working on it)

I think my emphasis on telling helpdesk I'd been here 15 days and still didn't have things sorted, kinda put things in perspective for them. That and the menacing tone I seem to have because of my husky chest infection voice.

I Must Have Pissed Off Some Gypsy

I had to go and say that I was feeling better didn't I?? I pretty much threw down the gauntlet to whatever evil virus is playing house with my body and now it is totally kicking my arse.

On top of the sinus infection, chest infection and throat infection I've been sporting for the last two days, I woke up this morning with a very sexy eye infection. I join readers in saying "Urgh".

I gave my eye a good wash out a few minutes ago after finding out their were no doctor's appointments available at the local medical centre. Probably an overreaction, but I've had enough of being sick. I'm done. Game over man, game over.

Part of the reason I am so bummed about this damned monkey pox I've got is that I was all pumped and ready to go into work and see if I could use the network and sort out my email. It looks as though I am at least halfway towards being set up to work now...(Day 15).

On The Third Day The Fever Broke

I feel like I am in a period drama but with the internet...

Since Wednesday I have been pretty ill. I'd managed to become full of some random virus that has had me running hot (but with random chills), with nasty body aches, a continuous, impenetrable headache and tonsils so swollen it was stimulating my gag reflex. And ohmygod... so freakin' tired! Going to the kitchen to make a hot drink has been a half hour round trip. This has meant the only thing I have been able to do with any amount of fortitude is sleep....and sleep I have.

This morning when I woke up I still felt like crap but I curled up on the couch under a couple of blankets, had a cup of tea and an Imigran (uber migraine medication) and watched one of my favourite shows Miami Ink. Once it was finished I sat up and stretched and realised that I was feeling heaps better.

I still have a kinda woozy head and a $1.99/minute voice but I have been able move around and get some long overdue chores done.

I'm not complaining, at all...but it is sorta odd right?

People Are Strange When You're A Stranger

My office laptop and monitor finally arrived this morning however I can't use them until my network account has been created. I even need a login to boot to Windows so I couldn't get a proper look at my new screen.

I had thought the technical bit was sorted but it was found yesterday that the new user account request forms that were submitted on my behalf last week, actually require my signature for some random, time wasting reason.

That meant today I had to travel into work just to sign two freakin' bits of paper. They are now on their way back to head office for processing, secondary approval (!!) and for technical implementation. I'm guessing it won't be until next week that I'll be able to show you my before and after office setup photos. Must get me a pot plant....

While I was in this morning I managed to get two, perhaps small, things done - which considering progress to date I am going to think of as victories. I managed to track down and sweet talk the mysterious 'Steve the mail guy' into giving me a mail slot and I found I had a key to a secret room that is filled with boxes, recycle bins and rolls and rolls of bubblewrap. Oh yeah.

I also introduced myself to two more of the people I share an office space with on level '5A' . (It seems that MU is so hip that rather than name their buildings A, B, C etc, they name them 1, 2, 3 and then call the floors within the building A, B, C etc. I think it is kinda stupid, although certainly not an uncrackable code.)

Anyways, I introduced myself to two young guys who sit down the hall from me. I've observed to date they seem to do everything together and I found today that when I speak to one, the other comes out of their office to join in on the chat. 20 minutes after I introduced myself, they both came down to visit me to see how I was getting on with unpacking my equipment. Given my levels of frustration at that point I only just stopped myself from telling them that they made a cute couple.

What entertained me on the commute back home was trying to work out who one of the 5A boys reminded me of. It drove me bananas but got it just as my train was pulling in. Jon looks exactly like Kurt Neilsen, that odd little hobbitt who won World Idol a few years ago...

Say Hi To Your Manager Ron

At the beginning of the year I transferred my enrolment in an online course run by my old employer to this semester. With the new job and other dramas going on I haven't had a chance to go in and have a look around yet. As such I have been flagged as an 'at risk' student and was called by the outbound call centre division of the Learning Support team last night.

The poor girl on the other end of the phone asked me how I was getting on and after I admitted to having not looked at my course yet but promise to on the weekend, she asked me whether I knew anything about the Online Campus.

Ahem.

I said "Yes, I am fairly familiar with it. After all, up until last week I had been the Site Administrator for the past 2 years...."

"Ummmmmmm, sounds like you have it sorted. Thank you for your time. Click."