Wanted: Crazy Wench

As I announced my resignation to a group of colleagues this morning and the question of my replacement was raised, someone made the standard joke about how I could never truly be replaced. The thought of the job ad for my 'true' replacement amused me greatly and kept me looking animated for the remainder of the meeting.

I believe it would go a little something like this....

Loud, opinionated, freckly young woman required for Wellington based role. Must have a tendency towards smuttiness and an irrational hatred of skinny girls who say they can eat anything they want.

Must enjoy bourbon frequently enough to have mother and friends make nervous jokes about alcoholism.

Ideally, you will have at least 5 years experience in a similar role within an organisation that changes with the frequency and vigour of continental drift.

The successful candidate will feel confident in moving from quiet snickering to a full belly laugh about the terminal stupidity amongst both colleagues and customers.

The ability to clearly say "cry me a river" or "stiff sh*t" to retarded or outrageous system development requests is essential.

Personal attributes

• At least two tertiary level qualifications completely unrelated to this job
• Excellent joke communication skills
• Appropriate and frequent use of the words uber, sweetas and f&ckbag

Desired

• An understanding of the Harry Potter reference of "She who must not be named" with regard to horse muscle relaxant colleague
• Knowledge of the international one line per word standard of "Bring It On" and "Oh My God"
• A keen sense of when to use George to tell people stuff

Must be avid blogger.