Nobody Give Me A Car

This isn't a revelation for anyone who knows me but my driving seriously sucks. I've been driving unsupervised for nearly 4 months now and I can't see any improvement in my skills at all. Yesterday my drive home from work just about put me off driving completely. Well...maybe one last drive....off a cliff.

I had several close calls (one of them wasn't entirely my fault but did kinda involve a honking great truck and me swerving in front of it briefly) and then at the supermarket I somehow managed to get wedged in a car park and had to do an Austin Powers like 70 point turn to get out...and of course there were a pile of cars waiting for me. Then as a fabulous punctuation point to my trip, I finally pulled into my garage, opened the door and there was the Sh*itten Kitten cowering under the stairs. I'd either nearly backed over her in the morning and she was trapped in there all day or she had whipped in unseen as I was driving in and I could have squished her pulling up. Sigh. I am going to have to learn how to ride a bike or buy a horse or something.

Sh*ittin' Kitten'

A couple of years back when my cats were still kittens I was going through my standard morning (pre-breakfast) routine of clearing out the kitty litter tray.

Just like it seems the smell of toilet cleaner stimulates an...ahem...'evacuation response' from the human male, the sound of a litter box being cleaned out appears to stimulate a cat.

My cat's litter tray was at the bottom of the stairs so after doing poop scoop round 1 (ding!) I sat back down on the stairs to wait for my sweet Bella to finish her important cat business. Had I know that Bella had an upset stomach that morning I think I would have stood.

Whilst part way through her business a noise, my now ex partner, made upstairs startled her. It startled her so much that she took off up the stairs without pause or more accurately....without clench.

Rather than running up the stairs on the gap to my left right or left she thought the best course would in fact be up my legs and torso, over my head and down my back - all at warp 9

U.K.S soon followed.

Once I realised what had happened all I was able to do was let out a small whimper to try in order to communicate my intense distress. My ex heard this small noise and asked what was up. The exchange went like this:

M: {Whimper}
X: What's wrong?
M: The cat....
X: The cat what? Did the cat poo?
M: Yeah but its worse than that. The cat..
X: ...ahhh the cat did a stinky poo
M: Well yeah...but its worse than that. The cat...
X: ...the cat did a stinky poo and missed the tray?
M: Yes [through clenched teeth] but it is worse than that. The cat...
X: ....ooooohhh, the cat did a stinky poo, missed the tray and some of it got on you?
M: {Whimper} {Sob}
X: [Finally gets off lazy arse and looks down the stairs at me]
M: [looks up at X]
X: [Walks away silently]
M: See! Its worse than that...
X: [Turns on shower, hangs up towel on rack, goes back to lounge]
M: [Heads to bathroom, past lounge] Thanks. By the way....I can still see you shaking when you laugh silently.

I finished up house training the cats shortly after.

It Doesn't Mean They're Not Out To Get You

I finally did it. I asked the Media Research people what their long game was...

For over 2 1/2 years now I have got a call once a month on a Sunday evening from the strangely friendly folks from "Media Research Ltd". I have to listen to 30 songs played for 5 seconds each and rate them based on the following scale:

1. Don't know
2. Don't like
3. Tolerate
4. Neutral
5. Overplayed
6. Like
7. Favourite

Yep, you read right - 2 and a 1/2 years.

This rating system has become so ingrained in my head that I often find myself yelling "5! 5 damn it! That's a freakin' 5!" at the radio when an especially thrashed song is played for the 15th time that day.

After the 1st year I started to get suspicious... after 18 months I became convinced that "Media Research Ltd" was the front name for a psychological experiment on how long people will complete surveys without any end date or....well....ahem....a reward of some kind.

After 2 years I decided that I was going to be a statistical pain in the butt and continue on as long as I could just so the bastards had skewed p points and q curves etc. I was playing THEM!

Just 5 minutes ago after 2 1/2 years they finally broke me. I just got off the phone from them and after the 30th time of being asked "Do you remember the ratings?" I snapped. "Ok, seriously now, how much longer are you guys gonna keep asking me to do these surveys? Is this some sort of 'a la Lost' social experiment?!" I got the calm response "Until you ask us to stop calling or you are too old" "And how old is is too old?!" I asked with alarm.... "30" I got back. lollll. Well....what's another 2 years??...

An Outstanding Achievement

This evening when I got home I found in my letterbox a highly amusing letter from the Polytechnic I do my professional development study through. And yep, I am being coy with names and details cos these people also happen to be my employers...

It reads:

"Dear Meredith,

We have analysed the results for each Bachelor of [something or another] course in Semester 3, 2005 and we are delighted to inform you that you have achieved top marks for [Course Code] [Course Name].

The results represents an outstanding achievement. Please accept my personal congratulations.

Yours sincerely,
The Dean of the School of [Blah de blah]"


Seriously now guys....how much analysis was needed when I was one of two people doing that course last semester??

Kudos to me....I was head of the class and bet out that one other chick. Woot!

Heehee

Sounds like?

Yesterday I got completely soaked walking down to the train station and even though I was horribly uncomfortable in my wet pants, once seated, I couldn't help but sit perfectly immobile for the entire train ride.

Part way through the journey I managed to move my eyes enough to look over at my fellow passengers. They were doing exactly the same thing!! It was like scene from a zombie movie.

So here I am thinking, while surely it is logical to try and rectify a physically uncomfortable situation such as wet pants, a glass of OJ spilled down your front, a startled kitten pooing all over you [stay tuned for the Sh*ttin Kitten story], so many of us suffer from this strange body catatonia phenomenon.

So o' course I want to name it but I can't get any further than "Uncomfortable Kinetic Silence"... which isn't my best work, I'll admit. It does have its acronym going for it - U.K.S - which is kinda the only noise you can make while suffering from the freeze ray of icky "Ukkks"

People. I need help. Giving it a name, gives us power to overcome this bizzare scourge.

Alias

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am always covered in bruises yet can't remember how I did any of them.

All these years I've been thinking I was just a bit of spaz but I've just realised I might just be the most kick arse secret agent EVER! I'm probably some sort of Sleeper Agent - 'activated' at night with my memory wiped in the morning. It explains the bruises, aches and pains, why I feel so tired in the morning and why my keys are never where I left them.

Sweet!

Can We Fix It?

I have had the builders round my place all this morning fixing a bunch of bung stuff around the flat. While they were here I was Skyping with my friend Penny and when I mentioned I had tradesmen in my house she asked whether they had tool belts and were the dancing the YMCA.

My response.....Only if you ask them nicely....

Heh. Being a girl rocks.

Call the Fashion Police

Urgh. I just had a meeting with a woman that was wearing a football style baby-t shirt with pearls....

And a charm bracelet

And I can't remember a word she said....

Streamlined Curry Ordering System

Now don't get me wrong....I enjoy a good curry as much as the next person but after the millionth office lunch at the curry house, I have noticed a pattern which has allowed me to design a new streamlined curry meal ordering system. No more wasted time pouring over the menu, no more embarrassment from pronouncing curry names incorrectly!

I call it the Curry Matrix. Simply enter Mild, Medium or Hot in the corresponding box and hand to your waiter. Ta Da!

	Red	Brown	Yellow
Vegetable
Fish
Chicken
Beef
Lamb

For example:
Rogan Josh = Lamb/Brown/Medium
Butter Chicken = Chicken/Red/Mild
Vegetable Korma = Vegetable/Yellow/Mild
Beef Vindaloo - Beef/Red/Hot

Fantastic.

Don't Mess With The Uber Bitch

Despite it starting off badly I felt I had a good productive day today and thought I'd cleared heaps off my desk....then.... this evening as I was packing up my boss asked me whether I had done a couple of things he'd asked me to do earlier in the day. I hadn't done those particular two non urgent things and I got a 'tut' !! OMG!!

He'd been right there when my team mates had been asking me inane questions all afternoon.... He'd seen all the emails I'd sent out and all the documents I'd prepared during the day and he tuted me! Grrr!

I fumed the whole way home. It wasn't until I sat down for a bourbon that I realised what I needed to do. I went online, accessed my email remotely and trawled through my inbox for the bunch of stuff my boss hadn't followed up on yet and sent happy-go-lucky chaser emails. HA! I logged off and had another bourbon to celebrate. Moowhoooohahahaaaaaahaaaaa

Its A Fine Line

It was only 9.30am this morning when I started getting the uber rage. This does not bode well for the rest of my day. It had been going so well too with a call from my big brother in London, a free ride on the train and a pretty good hair day. Then we had a team meeting.....

There is a fine line between an experienced colleague giving you advice and support regarding your work and them telling you how to do it (here Meredith have some eggs to suck)

Any advice on how to deal with someone trying to manage you who isn't your manager would be warmly received.

Not So Private Dancer

This morning I was woken by the Tina Turner song 'Private Dancer'. My downstairs neighbour had it pumped so loud it was shaking my bed and rattling my windows. She then played it again while I was in the shower and again while I was drying my hair. Right now its playing....

My lawyer friend says I would be best to go for Murder by Provocation because I run a high risk of being locked up permanently if I go for Murder by Reason of Temporary Insanity. I didn't ask him whether that was a generalisation or advice specific to me, just in case I need free legal advice again.

On the bright side if I can master the bass line: 'boom, boom, boomboomboom' then I could play bass for Tina the next time she is in New Zealand.

I REALLY don't need another hero....

Fuel for Life

Hee hee.

This morning on my way to work I noticed that the guy driving the milk truck cruising next to me was smoking a big fat joint! Gave me a whole new appreciation for the brand name 'Meadow Fresh' ...

I Recommend Getting To Work Early...Just The Once

I got into work uber early today and I've discovered something wonderful.....

You know those annoying bastards that are always already at their desk when you normally get in, looking like they've been there for hours? Those people that make you feel like a slacker because you get in after sunrise? They only get in 10 minutes before you!! Its all lies! Now we know their game....spread the word.

And yes, I've been rushing around so that it looks like I've been here for ages....heh heh heh

I Really Am Mean...Honest!

I'm conflicted.

One of my work colleagues' contract expires at the end of the month and it is not being renewed.
No one else seems to be bothered about organising a card and farewell bash for her so I said I'd do it. Now I can't decide whether it is because the build up to her leaving is exciting for me or whether it is because deep down I am a nice person and figure even screw ups that create more work for me deserve a little kindess and support. Crap. I hope I'm not going soft in my old age.

Lions And Tigers and Bears Oh My

Its not everyday you have an elephant in your street...but for me this is the second time in three years and its too often damn it!

The Whirling Brothers have set up their rig in the playing field of the school I live across the road from, and I freakin' HATE the animal based circus. I want them gone.

I'll admit its a total trip hearing the big cats rumble in the evening and seeing the elephant eat its breakfast in the morning but at the risk of sounding like a complete hippie, I'd really prefer to be seeing them out in the wild.

Sob.

I Won't Ruin It For You

Damn it! I seem to be the only person in New Zealand who is watching Lost as it plays on free to air TV here. I keep having the same frickin' conversation with people...

Me: Oh my god, did you watch Lost last night? Wasn't it cool?!

The Others: Hmmm, which episode was it? I've just watched the latest episode that aired in the States. I won't ruin it for you but it gets even better later on. And I can't believe they....oh, sorry

Me: Gaaa!

What You Should Never Have to Know About Your Boss

I had this very disturbing chat with my boss today about his bar fighting days. "See and this scar Meredith? That was from a bottle I got hit with in this bar up in Northland"..."And there was this one time I broke this guys nose and the cops showed up..."

Dude.

Some discussion topics should remain taboo between employee and employer. Here are a few ideas of such topics:

• Bar fighting
• Their sex life
• Your sex life
• Any stories that begin with the line "This one time when I was really drunk...."
• Any stories that begin with the line "This one time when I was really stoned...."
• Anything at all to do with underwear

.....What have I missed.....?

For Use on Horses Only

Oh my god. I noticed this bottle of horse grade muscle relaxant gel on the desk of a work colleague late yesterday afternoon. My mind boggles as to why she would need this kinda stuff on hand when we work in an office. What the hell is she into? Shudder.